:: jotting the lines ::

Time flies, it’s going to be a year since I left Melbourne. I never liked to leave such a beautiful country, a place where I found a sense of belonging, a place where i found my’ “self”, a place I found love, the true love with J.C. His love empowered me to do so much things than I ever thought I could. Though the years spent there was tough but God was in the centre of my heart. I have nothing to hold on to, only Him alone can give me hope.

God is more than a religion to me, He is love, my shelter, my hope, my refugee.

29 Aug 2004, a mixed feeling of everything. I was sad, of course, I was anxious about my future for at least the first few years coming back to Malaysia, knowing I will be alone again. People come in season and go in season, one of my friends illustrated it like the people we cross path with is like the angels waving at us at the pit stop. God has his own timing to send them into our lives for a reason.

I did not know much I did in this past year. Have I been I living in the “wilderness”? I asked myself, if I could go through the most difficult time in the past, what’s more about this time? I would surely go through it the same this time.

I have become very lonely for a year since then. I could still cope for the first few months, I had Erica to spend time with me. I became even lonely after her leaving to Singapore.
I always wanted to tell her, ‘Hey, I cherish the time I spent with you’
‘I miss you’

I didn’t say it until today. She probably thought I don’t care for her. I thought I can handle this kinda situation by beliieving she has to move on with her career and I have to move on with my life in Kuala Lumpur. I became quiet and I don’t talk to many people since then. I keep myself focus at work, I do all I had to do. I don’t open up myself anymore. I even thought what is the purpose of me keeping an online journal since I carry a meaningless life? What for if nobody is interested in reading it? It makes me feel bad as I used to have real good friend that reads and then now they are no longer interested in keeping friend with you.

I started to doubt who is my real friend? Who are they? Where are they? Who are those that I can call if I am in real danger at midnight 2am 3am in the morning? Who can I call aside from the Holy Ghost? I called two from my phone book whom I think they are probably close to me. Very unfortunately, one had switched off the phone and another said very busy at the moment. I don’t have the courage to call people anymore. I used to have the habit of calling people if I can’t get the issues resolved or I was really down.

I don’t know if I am sick, I seem to like withdrawing myself from the crowd. I slip away when nobody watches. I refused going lunch with the people from church. There is this saying ‘if you need a friend, go and be a friend with them, then you will find one’. I have many Hi and Bye friends, I wish I can double the closeness with the amount of Hi & Bye friends. I suppose people need to live their life and they have other priorities to attend to. I cannot be open to anybody now.

I thank those of you who have cared about me in the past and I have tried to be your good friend. I am sorry if I made you think I have not done enough for you.

Another complimentary movie ticket from Tiff, aside from the last movie she invited me for - Charlie and The Chocolate Factory (2005). I didn’t want to blog about the review, knowing our friend Julian will probably be the first who made it up. We met each other in the cineplex. Plus his review will definitely be much better than mine, so not to make myself look bad, I decided to hold on and get this up. This time I chose to watch and blog about The Island (2005).

It’s not the latest in town, rather it’s more likely to stop screening in the cinema. I left the office at 6 sharp, just to conveniently walked through KLCC and get ourselves a 8.40pm movie ticket. Then I went home and had a shower, changed to tracksuit (yes tracksuit!) before heading for the movie.

Due to my personal budget constraint, or another better saying - I am on a cost saving project each day, I parked my car just opposite my office, an open space car park where I had paid RM6.00 for a full day entry. Price rise kills… Really, I don’t mind walking through the Convention Centre, the KLCC Park to at least enjoy a little bit of the breeze. I was just concern of the drawback which might happen to me, and my sister, like what you read from the newspaper daily? So I made a sincere prayer in the cinema… “God, protect my car, cover us with your blood…..” Anyway, I am running out of the subject. But thank Jesus that I can still blog now.

The Island is one of the most fabulous movies I have seen in 2005, great cinematography and great story line. I can really feel what Michael Bay, the director of The Island is trying to say to his audience. Human clone was one of the research topics I actively engaged in my media classes at the university. I always curious and wanted to find more about the consequences of cloning. What if human clone exist? How would the world will be? Why people clone themselves? For vain? For longevity? It seems like the latter one is more appealing.

I really admire Caspian Tredwell-Owen’s imagination, man he is just incredible to me. All these while I only focus on the human side but never that I think in a human clone’s perspective. He is right, clone is not vegetable.
How can clone be vegetable? If clone is just like a plantation, all their organs will fail and become dysfunction.

What is he trying to say? Albert Laurent created Lincoln Six Echo and he said to him, “I give life so I can take away…” Sound familiar? Who does he think he is? God? Or a human that will also fail?

Michael Bay quoted,“Lots of sci-fi movies are much ado about nothing. What I liked about [The Island] is that it’s a universal thing: we all want to live longer. But how selfish would you be to achieve that? You could get a liver, a heart, kidneys, essential things. But I wanted to show people going for things that were just so crass, like fresh skin for a face-lift. For some woman who doesn’t want to go through the pain of childbirth and have stretch marks, why not have your clone birth for you? How disgusting is that? “

I don’t know if clone really exists, maybe there are hundreds or thousands already exist in this world, like the movie. They already have dolly, so what’s next? Despite human is much more complicated to be cloned, who knows maybe the laboratories are already putting the defected ones to sleep? I don’t know what to say now, this movie is so much different than other Science Fiction or any other horror films. Armageddon seems real but this speaks louder than any other films I’ve seen. This movie is alarming the world, the consequences of human’s stupidity in outsmarting Him.

At one time I thought my DSL modem was down since I had not switched it off before knocking off to bed. Just this morning after I came out from the shower, like a usual routine I turned on my computer and thinking of playing some songs before I head off to work. It was very strange that the modem was not blinking like it does normally. I checked the power socket and it was on. All other devices are functioning well. So I wonder what’s wrong with the modem now? I know I had accidentally kicked it off from the tower case since it is just a few centimetres away from my bed. I doubt that is the reason it goes kaput.

I tried to look for the receipt and started to analyze what should I do to claim for its warranty if the modem is really spoilt. Well I couldn’t remember where I put the receipt or perhaps I have already trashed it away. So then I was thinking what is the number I should call, is it the customer service number or they will direct me to call thousand of numbers later? Picturing of the whole process and how these people work has caused me sweat. I couldn’t even make up due the sweats on my forehead. -_-”

Time is near and I had to rush to work, so I packed the modem and its adaptor into the box and took them along with me. Maybe I can try to stop by the outlet later the day. All my mind could think of is ‘Please not let me spend another hundred dollar for buying a new one‘.

God is kind.

Just when I arrived to the office, I plugged the adaptor into socket to see if it works. I stood dumbfounded by the blinking lights of the modem. I inspected the modem and I saw this button
‘POWER ON/ OFF’. I pushed the button, the modem’s light off; so I pushed the button again and there the lights began blinking.

You mean after using the modem for almost a year and now only I realise the button for POWER ON/ OFF? I can’t blame myself because I had only been using router modem in the past, and that doesn’t have a button to turn power on or off. Thus I assumed this current device also has a similar setting with the router.

It’s all good now. No need pay extra to buy a new modem.

Yeah! Clouds are visibly in the sky now. The haze are gone and so does my depression. I thought that’s only my problem since the haze were swallowing the whole West Coast Malaysia, especially KL & Selangor. But apparently, I was not alone. It affected almost every body in the cities according to news.

I will surely enjoy this coming week, will make sure it is the most fruitful ever!

~Updated on 15 Aug 05~
The Air Pollutant Index based on 14 Aug 05 - 5pm

Kuala Lumpur, W.PERSEKUTUAN- 50*
Gombak, SELANGOR - 46*
Pelabuhan Kelang, SELANGOR - 76*
Petaling Jaya, SELANGOR - 53*

As I drove along Jalan Tun Razak flyover this morning, I see both the tall and mighty Petronas Twin Tower a.k.a Jagung (Corn) waving hello to me.

Many are choking of the hazardous haze, including me. Some even suffer from chest pain, difficulty in breathing, throat irritation and dry eyes condition because of the haze. I am one of those that suffer all above symptoms as I am blogging now.

The weather is causing everyone sick, especially those who live in Selangor and Wilayah Persekutuan. I have not been emotionally stable since Monday. I am not sure of the exact reason that made me cry. I don’t know if anyone at work notice my eyes were filled with tears. I was weeping in the car after an appointment with client. What is wrong with me? How can a person cry when watching a comedy that suppose to make you laugh? Was it all caused by the haze? No?

I could understand why I felt nervous on Monday. I lost my way to a client’s place. I could not find the way to the outskirt industrial place. I felt very insecured as enterring into a secluded area. Plus the haze I could not see exactly what was ahead, the place was badly affected by the polluted air. I was scared by what flashed across my mind. I don’t want to be the victim of those terrifying news I have seen and read in the newspaper. Then I started to ask myself why am I there? All because of getting new business or was I being too ambitious?

Then, we received a phone call from my uncle in the evening telling us that the brother had a epileptic seizure. He fell on the floor and injured his head. My uncle was helpless to the situation. I was mad as he did not immediately call the ambulance, probably he was too panic over the whole ordeal. My mom asked me to send him to the clinic. I did not know he was that serious until I arrived to my grandma’s place. I asked my uncle why didn’t he call ambulance. He looked blank to me and said his epilepsy usually will go off in a short while. Gosh, how can he take this for granted?

We could not carry him so we called the neighbour to lend us a hand. As I knew the doctor will ask what had happened, so I sent a SMS to Julian and asked him to translate epilepsy from Cantonese to English. The doctor at clinic said we must send him to the hospital since he had lost consciousness already. I was terrified but I kept telling myself to calm down. I could not be panic since I had to drive him to the hospital. But not even 100 meters away from the clinic, my uncle started to jerk in the car. His whole body became very stiff. I knew it is beyond my control and I had to call the ambulance. 8 Aug 2005 was the first time I dialed 999. Many questions raised in my head, are these people serious enough to take your call? Gosh, my national language - Malay is crap. I couldn’t even understand myself talking in Malay. So I asked the operator to converse in English. They transferred my call to the ambulance department and was told that the ambulance could only arrive within 15-20mins. I was angry why 15-20mins and not 5mins? They explained that the nearest ambulance to us was in Ampang so I had to wait by hook or crook. What should I do while waiting for the ambulance, I asked?

I drove closer to the main road and let the hazard lights blink whilst waiting for the ambulance. Mom, Unc and the neighbour walked towards my direction and waited outside of the car. Just not long afterwards, I felt a sudden peace rest upon me and my legs were no more trembling. I started to pray in tongues . I asked God to touch my uncle supernaturally, asked Him to touch him miraculously. Though I could not understand how God would lead me through, yet I felt His strong presence there. I noticed his fists are no more tensed and tight as I continued to pray for him. Then I heard him muttering a little and it seemed he was responding to the mighty one. I just continued to pray and give thanks to God for comforting him.

Not long after I heard the ambulance siren approaching to our direction. The ambulance personnels tried to wake my uncle but weren’t able to. So they put him on the stretcher and carried him to the ambulance. Mom sat in my car and the rest followed the ambulance. I was surprised by my courageousness while driving in state of emergency. You can be beyond your expectation . But I saw a careless motorcyclist bang into a Toyota Harrier on the way. I hoped they are okay.

I really learnt something that night. The ambulance personnel sent him to AE (Accident and Emergency) Department and it was where I saw all the horrible scenes. Their clothes were all torn and covered with blood. I also saw blood all over a young man’s face. All of them were crying in pain. I learnt a good insight of who we are that night; a very fragile creature.

My other uncle was called into the room by a nurse. The rest of us sat outside the room and waited for doctor’s instruction. My uncle didn’t say much or I guess he was just trying to keep us from details. Uncle was admited that night. I didn’t leave the place until dad came to the hospital and asked me to send mom and the neighbour back.

I really thank God for being there in the midst. It was all silence on the way home but deep down of my heart I heard the little voice crying out “Thank you Jesus, Thank you for loving me and my family!”

I do want to thank Ju for the translation and of course his prayers!

So now, where is the fresh air? Give me back my beautiful city!