A year of loneliness
Time flies, it’s going to be a year since I left Melbourne. I never liked to leave such a beautiful country, a place where I found a sense of belonging, a place where i found my’ “self”, a place I found love, the true love with J.C. His love empowered me to do so much things than I ever thought I could. Though the years spent there was tough but God was in the centre of my heart. I have nothing to hold on to, only Him alone can give me hope.
God is more than a religion to me, He is love, my shelter, my hope, my refugee.
29 Aug 2004, a mixed feeling of everything. I was sad, of course, I was anxious about my future for at least the first few years coming back to Malaysia, knowing I will be alone again. People come in season and go in season, one of my friends illustrated it like the people we cross path with is like the angels waving at us at the pit stop. God has his own timing to send them into our lives for a reason.
I did not know much I did in this past year. Have I been I living in the “wilderness”? I asked myself, if I could go through the most difficult time in the past, what’s more about this time? I would surely go through it the same this time.
I have become very lonely for a year since then. I could still cope for the first few months, I had Erica to spend time with me. I became even lonely after her leaving to Singapore.
I always wanted to tell her, ‘Hey, I cherish the time I spent with you’
‘I miss you’
I didn’t say it until today. She probably thought I don’t care for her. I thought I can handle this kinda situation by beliieving she has to move on with her career and I have to move on with my life in Kuala Lumpur. I became quiet and I don’t talk to many people since then. I keep myself focus at work, I do all I had to do. I don’t open up myself anymore. I even thought what is the purpose of me keeping an online journal since I carry a meaningless life? What for if nobody is interested in reading it? It makes me feel bad as I used to have real good friend that reads and then now they are no longer interested in keeping friend with you.
I started to doubt who is my real friend? Who are they? Where are they? Who are those that I can call if I am in real danger at midnight 2am 3am in the morning? Who can I call aside from the Holy Ghost? I called two from my phone book whom I think they are probably close to me. Very unfortunately, one had switched off the phone and another said very busy at the moment. I don’t have the courage to call people anymore. I used to have the habit of calling people if I can’t get the issues resolved or I was really down.
I don’t know if I am sick, I seem to like withdrawing myself from the crowd. I slip away when nobody watches. I refused going lunch with the people from church. There is this saying ‘if you need a friend, go and be a friend with them, then you will find one’. I have many Hi and Bye friends, I wish I can double the closeness with the amount of Hi & Bye friends. I suppose people need to live their life and they have other priorities to attend to. I cannot be open to anybody now.
I thank those of you who have cared about me in the past and I have tried to be your good friend. I am sorry if I made you think I have not done enough for you.
said:
said:
said:
