:: jotting the lines ::

I know I am going to deal with the most unwanted ‘thing’ in life soon. Grandma’s ill is getting worse now. I don’t have much to offer her besides to visit her more often and to pray along with her. She diagnosed with G3 Endometrial cancer (womb cancer) early this year. She has fought and won in the battle. Everybody in the family rejoiced for her excellent result and celebrated for her victory. She has been strong all these while, especially her inner strength and the will power she has to sustain for being healthy again. I know she couldn’t leave her mental disorder son alone. Mom, dad, aunties and uncles have been telling her not to worry and all of us will take care of him. But it seems hard for her to believe that.

I have never dealt with death before…yes my tortises died when I was 6/7 years old. It was my second pet that my dad gave me. 2 tortise that we bought from Sentul night market. I believe it is a male and female. About a week later, my female tortise died. I see her not moving at all. I was worried and anxious because she was not moving at all. She usually hid her head inside the shell, but why she’s not alive anymore? That was my first time dealing with death. My dad came home and saw the tortise died, he saw my worried face too. He took the tortise out and he told me tortise is gong to another place. So he buried her in front of the houseyard. I squatted as I continued to watch how he was going to bury my pet. I didn’t even have a name for her. I just felt sad as it was there with me for a short time only.

Soon he took me out, just walked across Jln Pahang. I remembered those days had not many cars, we could still walk across the street without using pedestrian bridge. There was a very old wooden house with lots of aquariums inside, it was right behind the shoplots. My dad told me my nanny used to stay here. He bought me another pair of tortises. Their sizes are bigger than the ‘wu gui’ we bought in night market. The lady at the shop asked me which one I liked, I saw there are at least 20-30 tortises are swimming in the big aquarium. I pointed at a yellowish with some black spot on the shell , then I spotted another one which also had the similar color tortise. I happily carried one with me, and my dad carried another one for me.

I unwrapped the packet and put them one by one into a white, square container. There were 3 of them staying there since then. My dad told me they not just eat pet (toritise) meal, they also eat grass, leaves and shrimps. I really missed those days when my dad and I went to the field and plucked grasses for my tortises. I also remembered there was this young guy misunderstood that we were trepasser that tried to steal his plants. Geez. We were just so happened to be there only. Dad also would buy my pet ‘kangkung‘ leaves as their food. Maybe you wonder where’s my mom, she does not seem to be mentioned here. Well, she also fed my pet with shrimps. Especially after she peeled off the prawn’s shell, she would ask me to feed each with a prawn.

I always and I still believed that the smaller tortise is a female tortise, which we bought from the aquarium. So there were 2 males + 1 females tortises in the family. I liked to take them out for racing competition, the male were always the winner. They are good in recognizing my voice too, I don’t know how it worked. Perhaps I can never understand about animal instinct. Every time when I came back from school, they would actively trying to climb out from the container and greet me. There were a few times that the giant tortise hid under my bed.

I brushed their shells every time I cleaned the container. All of them were all afraid to be brushed, I know it’s an intimidating experience to be brushed! All of them would tried the best to escape as far as they could. I don’t know why they wanted to run because they would get caught eventually. The tiniest (female) always hid herself in the dark corner, smart she but still got caught at the end.

Until a few years later, they were very much grown-up and I could not let them to stay in the container anymore. There were no more rooms for their movement even though they were still very mild; they never bit me before. Mom and Dad said it’s time for them to go back home. I don’t know where is their home, but I know they should go back to their colony. So that one fine day, I asked my dad to accompany me to carry them all to the Titiwangsa lake. I put them one by one, first the night market tortise, then the female tortise and the last was Giant. I said a prayer for them and hope they will be doing good under the mother nature’s care. I asked dad if they will be eaten by the big fish or bigger tortise. My dad said every animal has survival ability, their instinct will help them to survive in the wilderness. I was sad but there’s nothing I could do since I had made such big decision to let them go. Once a while I still think if they are still there in the lake, I only worried about the tiniest tortise.

Pet’s death was the only death I dealt so far.

God, please give me your grace to lead me through the difficult times if I would have to deal with it again.